Mafia Gazette Past Issue 122
The Mafia Gazette Issue 122 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Monday 29th January 'GRANT FUND ESTABLISHED ' In an amazing turn of events, linked with our second story, the slot machines came into the hands of a group of mysterious benefactors, who have now dedicated their entire revenue to aiding current and future leaders in the community. The organisation, known only as The Community Grant Foundation, is voiced by Gazette Editor-in-Chief Carmela DeAngelis. Making dramatic public statement yesterday night, she detailed the aims of the organisation, and outlined those that would benefit from the slot money. The speech outlined the struggle new families face while setting up for the first time, and revealed that all new Street Bosses and Made families may now submit an application to The Community Grant Foundation, which will then be graded and allocated funds accordingly. In a subsequent document released after the speech, Carmela detailed some likely questions, and answered them accordingly. To submit an application for a grant, you would have to detail your families aims and goals, how much money you think you will need, and explain how you will use the money, and mail the application to Carmela herself. The maximum amount that can be requested is set at a whopping $10,000,000. It is stated that a committee of “no less than three” people will be making decisions on the applications, though the identities of those people are closely guarded for obvious reasons. It is boasted that grant decisions will be resolved quickly, and that the money should be in a successful applicant’s account within 48 hours, in most cases. There have been widespread rumours and accusations of bias in the way that the big money slots were acquired by the Foundation, though it is seemingly agreed by all that this move will benefit the community as a whole far more than the slots have ever managed so far. In this reporters opinion, no matter what happened to gain the slots, the community will be a better place for it from this moment on. 'SLOT HOLDER EXECUTED ' Long time citizen and holder of the big money slot machines, Molly_M, was executed on Saturday afternoon. It is believed that she was seized by the state and put to death over charges of identity fraud and money laundering. It has long been known that money from the slot machines was directly funding New York outfit The Conceptualists, though authorities have been powerless to stop the “cash cow” due to her squeaky clean demeanour. Molly’s identity was brought into question, however, due to her complete lack of public appearances of any kind, bringing many to question whether she really existed at all, or was just a false identity used by the former slot holder, known as “Hawker”. Authorities finally took a stand on the ghost-like financial juggernaut, and seized all assets linked with her name. The execution took place at 12:32PM on Saturday 27th January, after which Molly was buried in an unmarked government-issued grave. No funeral was held. 'CONCEPTUALISTS IN CRISIS? ' The recent execution of Molly_M and seizing of the slots by a group of mysterious benefactors is believed to have thrown long-time NY outfit, The Conceptualists, into financial chaos. The group have, for most of their existence, been a major force in the criminal world, at times solely down to the seemingly infinite funding they could achieve through the big money slot machine profits. Many are now questioning if the outfit can maintain the power they have held for so long, or if they will crumble altogether at the pressure of earning money “the old fashioned way”. Long-time Conceptualist insider Jameson was asked for his opinion on the situation: “I think that, while this is undoubtedly a significant loss, we are a strong enough family to continue our fine tradition of Conceptualisation. What I see in the future is a 'back-to-basics' approach with a requirement of activity and teamwork that could well make us even stronger or even closer as a group. In short, I feel this will effect us but not necessarily in a negative way.” Former NY Capo Tarby recently split from the group to set up on his own in Atlanta, his new family The Delinquents apparently now shunned by The Conceptualists, due to disputes between Tarby and BillyBathtub. With Las Vegas Made Man Ronin also recently seen gunning for the Conceptualists in their home town of NY, it is implied that their allies are now far outweighed by their enemies. With their new lack of free-flowing funds, will the Concepts survive the coming weeks, perhaps months? Who knows, but you can be sure that The Gazette will be here to report any stories as they happen. 'DALLAS BREEDS NEW CRIME FAMILY ' Dallas, once the home of the famous Don Puck, has lay for the most part empty since his untimely demise. This all changed last week, however, when Made Woman Melina staked her claim on the city for her new crime family, Sopportato dalle ceneri. Taking to the streets, she immediately stamped her mark on the city, with a commanding few speeches regarding her plans for the city, and some rules she is implementing for the city’s business district. Melina, formerly Underboss for the late John_Milton, is believed to be a fairly new edition to the ranks of leadership, though she certainly appears to be taking to it like an old hand. The business restrictions she is implementing look promising, time will tell if they do, in fact, improve the dismal Dallas business district. More on this story as it happens. 'EDITORIAL ' By Foamy Dear Minions, Wonderful news! The old Gazette Editor died, and I seized the opportunity to take this media workhorse and mould it to my own beautiful image. Never before has journalism been so amazing, so come marvel, one and all, at Foamy’s new Gazette. Sure, it’s going to look a lot like the “old” Gazette, good stories, brilliant writing, mastery of the English language, but it will have one element that makes it stand out from all other pretenders to the journalistic throne: ME! So, thank you to the loyal minions, erm, readers, that have stuck with us so far, and thank you in advance to the readers that will pick up this paper in utter disgust at the poor quality of others, we know you’ll be regulars in no time! Enjoy the edition, Your Lord and Master, Foamy. 'FOAMY’S CLASSIFIED BITS ' The Foaminian Cult needs YOU! Yes, dear minions, come join us, and we’ll happily take your money in return for total and utter domination of your very soul. 19:20, February 17, 2013 (UTC) STAFF WANTED! The Mafia Gazette is recruiting again. Randle was a sucky boss, come work for Foamy! Bagels and coffee as standard, if you’re interested in writing articles and getting paid $50,000 a time for the bother, then FOAMY WANTS YOU! 19:20, February 17, 2013 (UTC) Opening soon: Star-Schmucks Coffeehouses are looking for applicants from all over the country to manage our branches that will be opening in EVERY city soon. Contact Foamy for details.